25/10/18, 02:17 AM

A piece of paper plucked from the diary of an abandoned teen, left alone in a secluded corner of the house.

lost, lost in oblivion

Sometimes the person you trust the most ends up making a darned fool out of you. I have already assumed so much of stupidity and mindlessness in myself that any corroboration to this feels death. I have already stopped trusting many people. To be honest, I trusted only one person—I would not mention who since my letters are often found by my lost and lonely father or my curious sister or my guileless mother. So unfortunately, I have to write in such a way that even if it is read by some unwanted person, not much would be revealed about my personal life. However, I do not expect any loss of dignity by any means whatever. I don’t see I have even a bit of it left in me. People knock me down. They make me cry. They stupidify me, and I get up and hug them back. It has almost become a habit with me. I either hug them or get away for good. There is no in-between. They do clever things because they have means. Good means. They have debit cards and a heavy bank balance and good clothes and hence, a lot of friends. Unlike them, I never expect anyone’s stay in my life for good. I know people never have a fresh choice. Commitment is painful. For after a while, even the thought of separation hurts more than anything else. You cannot get away. There is the insecurity of not having it all. There is this fear of losing the hold any time. There is the speculation of not being able to last long. She had men craving her for every damned thing. I had women craving me for something I could hardly make out. Maybe it was for the wolf people never could afford to see. Maybe they know I am the only one who possesses that deadly thing, the life taker. Men are jealous of him. Women crave to have a glimpse of him. But they will never get to. For that is the only entity that keeps me going in bad times. That is what allows my words to flow like a river. I love him more than a man can ever love a woman, even though I know that only is the reason I remain passive and dead all day.